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this will all make sense when i get better...

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girl says; [13 Jun 2004|03:17am]
fyi

Journal changes = me testing out new layout for the ego-ness layout

Yeahthanks.
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Get It Together [16 Jan 2004|09:46am]
You don't know the pain that I feel,
You've taken my love for granted,
And you just wanna see it your way.
It's about that time,
I'm gonna tell ya what's on my mind.
I'm fed up with you not being here with me,
When you know love is all I need,
I don't want to stay...
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so close [14 Jan 2004|10:33am]
I've spent so much time throwing rocks at your window
That I never even knocked on the front door...


Wait a time to spare these lies we tell ourselves
These days have come and gone
But this time is sweeter than honey
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and forever... [08 Jan 2004|11:56pm]

Sometimes I feel so alone
Finding myself callin' your name

             When we're apart, so far away
              Hopin' it's me that you're thinkin' of

Could it be true, could it be real?
My heart says that you're the one.

            There's no one else, you're the only one for me.
            Yes, this time my love's the real thing.

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..poe...tah...tow. [23 Nov 2003|12:20am]
Yes, I am craving baked potatoes.

.__.

I'm trying to make more friends and stuff, but really. I know nearly two hundred, if not more people, and I feel alone.
._.;

But I'm happy. :D If not hungry. >> *stares at the bag of potatoes and wishes they'd cook themselves*

<333 You Lacie, Gina, Rachel, and Adri. :3 I loooove you!


(EX MUST DIE.)
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girl says; [15 Nov 2003|07:10am]
we do not cling to the enemy.

So, I'm looking around, and it feels like every word you say is directed at me. Every subtle and not so subtle insult has 'JASMINE' written all over it.

And, even if that's not true...I can't be with a friend that doesn't act like a friend. There's a difference between being someone's friend because they're your friend, and being someone's friend because you want to be their friend.

And, once again, I remember my tarot reading...

Relationships are what you make of them.


PS: PSST!
HEY YOU!
. I'm hanging out at spokenjade now.
1 comment|post comment

TAKE *THAT* BITCH! XDD [03 Nov 2003|07:24pm]
it's about damn time

Well, it's finally being proven that people with bipolar disorder have an impairment of good judgement and self-control. I want to just round up every single person who's ever told me that I need to control myself, and not fly off the handle...every person that didn't believe me when I said I was trying. "Don't blame this on your disorder Jasmine."

Well fuck you.

And that one's all me
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i'm not afraid of tomorrow, i'm only scared of myself [16 Oct 2003|09:42pm]
I don't understand sometimes, why everyone seems to think that if I'm sad, that automatically gives them grounds to be mad at me. I start crying, and the reaction is never one of comfort, it's always, "UGH! YOU BITCH!"

So I'm starting to wonder. I know everyone gets soooo pissed off at me when I'm upset. "Oh look, the bitch is whining again." Well this journal isn't for you. It's for me. And I wouldn't have to write this, if all of you didn't treat me so horribly. I can't take it on my own anymore. And if you read something here that you think is offensive, or you think it's bringing you down, then just don't read it.

I will -never- be so desperate for friends or for acceptance that I will hide my own feelings because you happen to be a heartless asshole. I'm sorry, but I refuse to do that again. And even if you guys only tell me not to kill myself because you're just sick and tired of my bitching, and if I really did kill myself, you wouldn't mind, I don't care! I honestly believe that there is someone out there who does care, and because of that, I'm not going to hold everything inside so that it kills me.

I honestly do believe that I need to be treated better. Is that so wrong? Who knows, maybe it is, but at this point, I don't care.

I'm happy! I'm not always so sad. But when I am happy, no one cares. No one notices. You all think I'm always whining and I'm always crying, and I'm not. You just don't know me that well, and that's your own fault. You wanna see me happy? Be a good friend! Otherwise, just leave me alone. I'm trying, okay? I don't have control over this anymore than the next Bipolar kid, but I do what I can! And that's just not enough, but when is it ever?

Maybe, if we could all just quit talking about ourselves, we could see the truth about everyone else, and in that, see the truth in ourselves...

"You lean a little to your left and your right but you can only see who's on your side."

And that's how it is. I don't really see a lot of people. And if you only look in the mirror, you're only going to see yourself. I try to care about other people. Is it too much to ask to want it in return sometimes? I may not get it from you, and that's fine, whoever you may be. But I will get it.
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girl says; [27 Sep 2003|07:44pm]
I didn't realize I had so many people that made me their friends and I hadn't friended them back. ^^;

I'm going to be getting another lj soon. :o I just need to track down whats her name for my code. :o
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Crucify My Love [21 Sep 2003|04:26pm]
[ mood | calm ]

Crucify my love
If my love is blind
Crucify my love
If it sets me free
Never know
Never trust
That love should
See a color
Crucify my love
If it should be
That way
Swing the heartache
Feel it inside out
When the wind cries
I’ll say good-by
Tried to learn
Tried to find
To reach out
For eternity
Where’s the answer
Is this forever

Like a river flowing
To the sea
You’ll be miles away and
I will know
I know I can deal
With the pain
No reason to cry
Crucify my love
If my love is blind
Crucify my love
If it sets me free
Never know
Never trust
That love should
See a color
Crucify my love
If it should be
That way
Til the loneliness
Shadows the sky
I’ll be sailing down and
I will know
I know I can clear
Clouds away
Oh is it a crime to love
Swing the heartache
Feel it inside out
When the wind cries
I’ll say good-bye
Tried to learn
Tried to find
To reach out
For eternity
Where’s the answer
Is this forever
If my love is blind
Crucify my love
If it sets me free
Never know
Never trust
That love should
See a color
Crucify my love
If it should be that way

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"I Love You" [18 Sep 2003|09:05pm]
[ mood | tired ]

This story ends movingly
It begins with your words, "I love you"
I can't wait to let it start again...

I'd rather want to hear " I love you" you said to me like a lie
than doubting you endlessly
Oh I want to hear it all the time.... all the time

Even if you can't leave everything up to words,
When you put your thought into words, I will know you better.

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everything you want [17 Sep 2003|04:44am]
[ mood | melancholy ]

he's everything you want
he's everything you need
he's everything inside of you
that you wish you could be
he says all the right things
at exactly the right time
but he means nothing to you
and you don't know why

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there isn't a mood for dingy. ;__; [17 Sep 2003|04:35am]
[ mood | giggly ]

ヒスイ HARVEST says:
Oreos.
ヒスイ HARVEST says:
Cheap spring water.
ヒスイ HARVEST says:
And Jack LaWhatsit.
ヒスイ HARVEST says:
This is the life.
ヒスイ HARVEST says:
But, one still must question WHY you want to mix cucumber with pineapple. Who cares if you CAN...WHY?

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*remembers the kidd song* [16 Sep 2003|04:36am]
[ mood | sleepy ]

My mom and I decided that I'm going to take a break from being online. I told her some of the stuff that was happening, and she voiced my thoughts of taking some time away. Both of our friends have gone damned dingy. ^^;

Earlier:

*talking about how stupid everyone is and how smart we are*

Me: We could take over the world!
Mom: It's so sad. And if we didn't, we could just not take our medicine, and then we'd THINK we did!
The two of us: *evil laughter*
Mom: Poor Josh. ._.
Me: Yeah, he's got no idea he's related to a couple of witches.


^^;; Ya kinda had to be there.

Anyhow, as it becomes increasingly obvious that I'm a bitch, I think I'm going to go ahead and just break out 'cause I'm better off on my own.

(btw, yes, I'm listening to Sugarcult. .___>)

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my GOD! my TOURNIQUET! return to me SALVATION! [15 Sep 2003|05:29pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

ヒスイ VIRGIN says:
I hear song.
ヒスイ VIRGIN says:
I like song.
ヒスイ VIRGIN says:
I sing song.
ヒスイ VIRGIN says:
And it has nothing to do with what the song is ABOUT.


Seems reasonable to me. o___o

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[15 Sep 2003|12:08am]
[ mood | jubilant ]

...I'm happier than I've been all summer.

...

Cool. >D

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UGLY CAT [14 Sep 2003|03:40pm]
posted by Cynthia at Full Moon Paradise

Everyone in the apartment complex I lived in knew who Ugly was. Ugly was the resident tomcat. Ugly loved three things in this world: fighting, eating garbage and shall we say, love.

The combination of these things combined with a life spent outside, had their effect on Ugly. To start with, he had only one eye, and where the other should have been was a gaping hole. He was also missing his ear on the same side, his left foot appeared to have been badly broken at one time, and had healed at an unnatural angle, making him look like he was always turning the corner.

His tail had long since been lost, leaving only the smallest stub, which he would constantly jerk and twitch. Ugly would have been a dark gray tabby striped-type cat, except for the sores covering his head, neck and even his shoulders with thick, yellowing scabs. Every time someone saw Ugly there was the same reaction. "That's one UGLY cat!!"

All the children were warned not to touch him, the adults threw rocks at him, hosed him down, squirted him when he tried to come in their homes, or shut his paws in the door when he would not leave. Ugly always had the same reaction. If you turned the hose on him, he would stand there, getting soaked until you gave up and quit. If you threw things at him, he would curl his lanky body around feet in forgiveness. Whenever he spied children, he would come running, meowing frantically and bump his head against their hands, begging for their love. If you ever picked him up he would immediately begin suckling on your shirt, earrings, whatever he could find.

One day Ugly shared his love with the neighbors huskies. They did not respond kindly, and Ugly was badly mauled. From my apartment I could hear his screams, and I tried to rush to his aid. By the time I got to where he was laying, it was apparent Ugly's sad life was almost at an end.

Ugly lay in a wet circle, his back legs and lower back twisted grossly out of shape, a gaping tear in the white strip of fur that ran down his front. As I picked him up and tried to carry him home I could hear him wheezing and gasping, and could feel him struggling. I must be hurting him terribly I thought.

Then I felt a familiar tugging, sucking sensation on my shirt - Ugly, in so much pain, suffering and obviously dying was trying to suckle my ear. I pulled him closer to me, and he bumped the palm of my hand with his head, then he turned his one golden eye towards me, and I could hear the distinct sound of purring. Even in the greatest pain, that ugly battle-scarred cat was asking only for a little affection, perhaps some compassion.

At that moment I thought Ugly was the most beautiful, loving creature I had ever seen. Never once did he try to bite or scratch me, or even try to get away from me, or struggle in any way. Ugly just looked up at me completely trusting in me to relieve his pain.

Ugly died in my arms before I could get inside, but I sat and held him for a long ime afterwards, thinking about how one scarred, deformed little stray could so alter my opinion about what it means to have true pureness of spirit, to love so totally and truly. Ugly taught me more about giving and compassion than a thousand books, lectures, or talk show specials ever could, and for that I will always be thankful.

He had been scarred on the outside, but I was scarred on the inside, and it was time for me to move on and learn to love truly and deeply. To give my total to those I cared for.

Many people want to be richer, more successful, well liked, beautiful, but for me, I will always try to be Ugly.
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[14 Sep 2003|02:15am]
[ mood | busy ]

And this is goodbye to you and me, what a good friend you've been to me...

Mom got me the Antiques Roadshow 20th Century Collectibles book. XD That's super fun. :o And I need to read East of Eden. >< I've got the book, but I haven't started it yet. I'll get right on that when I wake up.

Before I go to sleep, I PROMISE that I'm going to at least come up with SOME PART of the plot for my novel. I PROMISE. And I'll USE it. x___X

*hits herself on the head XD*


So give me a little credit, have in me a little faith...


*needs to quit putting Nine Days quotes in this entry. XD*

So yes. I'm in a fairly good mood. Okay, really, I'm bouncing off the walls. Some people rock. XD


If I am another waste of everything you hoped for, I will let you down...


I had a talk with my mother about how I just can't escape "The Mascara Syndrome". X.x For those of you that know what that is, you understand -exactly- what I've been going through lately (for those of you that weren't friends with me during that, basically there was a huge group of people that pretended to be my friends and then made me feel like shit out of the blue one day and made me super suicidal and I had to go to Timberlawn for a really long time, and that's all I'm going to say - don't want to bring that up again).

Okay, I'm going to put on "Mo Money Mo Problems" 'cause that makes me happy. XD;

Um, yeah.

Oh, by the way, thanks again to those of you that helped me out through all that shit. For those of you that didn't (and not those of you that didn't know/couldn't, those of you that purposefully tried to knock me down) you'll find that I'm not going to be talking to you again. Bwee. I think I care about that as much as the rest of y'all...not one little bit.

It feels kind of good. ^^;

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[14 Sep 2003|12:40am]
Mmkay...feeling better. I <333 Alexiana. People say her stories are dark, but they make me so happy. ^^;
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[13 Sep 2003|11:50pm]
Okay...just got a disturbing IM...and so now I need to clear something up.

I do not hate my mother. I love my mother, very much. While I may like a lot of people more than her, there's no one I love more than my mother. She is always there for me when I'm upset, which, not to be repetitive, but that's a lot more than most of my friends can say, and in the end, she only does everything she does for me, because she wants to protect me, and because she loves me.

I know that, and I've always known that.

So, yes, this message was a bit upsetting, because if anyone else thinks that, get it out of your head. Yes, I'm a teenager, and she sucks right now for me, and there are a lot of things (like her closed mind. >__>) that I'd love to change, but hell, it's worked for her this far, hasn't it?

And, for just a little hint of the innerbitch: this is what I mean about how some of you don't know me as well as you think you do, to even suggest that. x.x
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